Things that are working

The small practices helping me protect my peace in the middle of caregiving and chronic illness

I’m going to shift my perspective. Instead of looking at the things I’m not doing well or neglecting in my life, I’m going to focus on the things I’m doing that are working for me.

Taking pressure off myself.

This means not only failing to complete my to-do list over a weekend but refusing to feel guilty about it. I don’t have to do it all right now.

In this season (a very long season) of life I have accepted that I’m not going to be able to keep our house organized. There are messes behind each cabinet door. Closets resemble a dusty corner at Goodwill, and I’m lucky if I wash linens once a month. I struggle with this frequently as there is so much judgement around having a tidy, perfect house.

I have found when I balance household tasks with doing activities I enjoy and adequate rest, and I am more regulated and less spicy.

Maintaining boundaries

Saying “no” more often than “yes” to social outings. I have begun blocking days on my calendar as Amy Day which means I won’t make other commitments and allow time for myself. That can be going to get a massage, reading a book, or staying in bed all day.

Letting things go.

I used to live in fear that if I didn’t eat the perfect diet, I would have a MS flare. If my animal protein wasn’t from cows who had a happy life and I paid a paycheck worth for it, I felt guilty.

I let that all go.

I do the best I can with my diet, but no longer concerned about the very best. It is the same with personal products. I am thoughtful about the harmful chemicals in products, but I do use a foundation with full coverage and full chemicals, because it does the job well.

I let perfection go and it feels freeing.

Managing my energy.

This is something I have had to learn because of MS. Those with chronic illness do not have the same amount of hours in a day.

Spoon theory offers a helpful way to understand this. A person who cancels plans, or cannot commit to something months in advance, may not be uninterested or unreliable. They may be trying to calculate whether they will have enough physical, emotional, and mental energy available.

Social activities require energy, but so do worry, conflict, caregiving and constantly consuming upsetting information. I have become more selective about who and what gets to live rent-free in my mind.

I have stopped consuming as much political content and returned to watching cooking reels made by delightfully quirky content creators. My nervous system seems grateful for the change.

Protecting my peace.

All of these practices contribute to the area where I may be doing the best: protecting my peace.

I actively work to regulate my nervous system through boundaries, rest, breathing and meditation. None of it comes naturally, and none of it works all the time.

I visit my mom in senior living at least three times a week. Before I enter her building, I often sit in my car and breathe. Sometimes I say aloud, “You’ve got this.”

Sometimes I yell profanities.

Also helpful.

These are some of the things I am doing well each day to support my overall well-being. They do not prevent hard situations from happening, and they certainly do not keep me out of survival mode. When something happens with my mom, I can still find myself surviving on wine, chips and doomscrolling socials.

But maybe doing well does not mean remaining peaceful all the time.

Some days, protecting my peace looks like meditation, boundaries and deep breathing. Other days, it looks like closing the laptop, opening a bag of chips and starting again tomorrow.